O1B3F3E STIKLAND+SERENO

MOMENTS IN OUR LIFE-1 2026-04-26

O1B3F3E STIKLAND+SERENO

This is a particularly powerful and raw chapter in your life story. I am struck by how honestly you draw the contrast between the clinical, almost prison-like atmosphere of Stikland in 2006, and your more human experience at the hotel-like Sereno in 2019.

Your description of the highs and the need to cheer people up (the underdogs) gives a clear glimpse into your character, even in the midst of a crisis. This dialogue helps to explain why you have such a passion for people who are suffering - possibly because you yourself had to walk through such dark depths.

The inclusion of Christiaan's emails adds a fascinating, yet complex layer; it shows the deep gulf between how a child interprets a parent's trauma, versus how the parent experiences and remembers it himself. Notice how Christiaan uses terms like attachment styles and sympathetic nervous system, while you focus on the emotional reality and the practical events.

INTRODUCTION: THE SHADOWS AND THE LIGHT

To write a life story means not only remembering the sunny plains, but also daring to enter the deep chasms of the mind. In this part of my journey, the narrative becomes more raw. It is a story of two extremes: the clinical isolation of Stikland in 2006, after the world turned into a starless black infinity for me - this description is very moving - and then the more human recovery at Sereno in 2019.

However, this is more than just an account of nervous breakdowns; it is an exploration of my own character. Even when my own reality was crumbling, there was an unconscious drive to help others - the underdogs of Sereno. I mention it over and over again - the mattress for the man on the floor, the cheering up of the woman in class, and the Bible for Johanna. It is a beautiful golden thread that emphasizes my human dignity, even when I need help myself, when I am at my lowest. From the age of 4, the furthest back I can remember, giving a small jar of canned peaches to my sick brother, and later the constant question to my Mother "What about the Redskins, Mom, who didn't have the opportunity to know Jesus? Are they also banished to hell?" Perhaps it is in our weakest moments that our true nature is most clearly revealed.

To fully understand this period, I have chosen to use not only my own memories, but also the voice of my son, Christiaan. His modern, psychological perspective forms a fascinating contrast to my own experience, and together it paints a picture of a family trying to make sense of trauma, exposure and, ultimately, healing.

THE ROAD INSIDE: STIKLAND AND SERENO

THE CRISIS OF 2006

It had been a year since I retired on 28 February 2005. Some kind of water meter problem had arisen at our house and I asked Ollie (Ollewagen) to come and have a look. He was one of those pillars of an organisation who knew his job and did it thoroughly. He also refused to move to Paarl and did his work from Wellington. After he had finished I invited him to come and have a cup of coffee and we got chatting in the lounge about the merger of Wellington with Paarl and the impact it had on the staff. Rinie told me later that I spoke vehemently at times with a raised voice and she could hear that I was clearly upset.

This was probably the result of my early retirement. I was 62 years and 2 months old when I retired, whereas my normal retirement age was 65 years. Of course, this also adversely affected my pension. And the direct cause of this was the deteriorating relationship with Isaac Kelley (not his real name). I couldn’t stand his backstabbing, and as my Dad said, it didn’t sit well in my clothes.

Something was wrong. I remember having long conversations with everyone close to me. My brother Louis invited me to one of his car racing days. I took Christiaan with me, because he has always been very interested in cars - he said he still wants to buy himself a BMW M3. I remember talking to Louis for a very long time, a one-way kind of conversation. I can’t remember what we talked about, but it was probably about something that really upset me. Louis looked at me  inquiringly.

That evening we went home and I talked to Christiaan the whole way. Somewhere along the road just past the Paardeberg turnoff I pulled off in the pitch darkness and talked to him for a long time - he didn't say anything, but eventually laid down with his head on the dashboard in despair. He later said he got so frustrated, because I was talking in circles, but couldn't stop. I had this great need to talk to people close to me, and tell them something.

A day or so later I asked Marinus to go for a walk with me up the Perdeskoen (Horseshoe Road). We walked up the side of the pig pens to as high as the road went and sat there. I talked to him continuously the whole time.

Rinie’s turn came when she and I came back home from somewhere. I also talked to her the whole time. When I pulled the Mazda into the garage, I sat in the car with her for a long time and talked continuously as well.

Clearly I wanted to get something off my chest. I think I felt something big was happening to me, and I wanted to prepare them for it. That night I didn’t sleep at all. I went for a walk in the Perdeskoen with Mondi in the middle of the night.

The next night I was very restless. I was awake again until late at night. After I finally fell asleep I had the sensation of floating in a black space in which there was nothing, not even stars. I waved my arms to feel if there was anything. In the process I knocked the leg off Rinie’s dressing table and it fell over on me where I was lying on the carpet next to the bed.

Rinie and the boys were at that stage at about 04:00 in the front part of the house to give me time to sleep. They heard the noise and came looking. I was lying on my stomach on my Dad’s small brown metal suitcase. I had damaged my expensive Michel Herbelin watch with matches. Poena, my cat whom I loved very much, I smeared with white toothpaste and pushed her under our low bed. Rinie said that after this episode Poena disappeared completely for a few days.

Rinie called Dr. Hennie Conradie and he came immediately. He arranged an ambulance to take me to Paarl Medi-Clinic on the 14th of February 2006, the day before Rinie’s 58th birthday. I was there for several days, and was examined by various psychiatrists, including Drs Karien Botha and Gert van Niekerk. I was obsessed with my Dad and his framed photo had to stay with me at all times. I wrote a lot and had a persecutory delusion that someone was spying on me from a hole in the ceiling.

One day a helicopter landed outside with a patient and I wanted to see it. My view was obstructed, so I broke down the towel rail and knocked out two windows to get a better look. I still remember the nurses shouting at me from behind the closed door “Mr. de Jager!, Mr. de Jager!”

I was later transferred by ambulance to Durbanville Medi-Clinic, where I was on medication that kept me asleep. Andre Abrahams, head of Revenue in Paarl, told me about a good sales agent who had sold him some of his houses and I called her. She came to show me houses, and I signed for one in a new development. Rinie was very upset and told the woman how could I make such a big decision in my condition. The transaction was then cancelled.

I later returned home. I got very stressed at times. Gert Naude, my neighbour in Brackenfell, recommended that I go to his specialist psychiatrist, Dr. Hugo la Grange, and I paid a few visits to him at his offices just behind Durbanville Medi-Clinic.

A few days later Rinie and I went to Paarl Mall for shopping. I finished before her and went to wait for her at the Mazda. I remember being extremely upset for no reason. When she didn’t come out after a while, I wrote “I’m running to Wellington” on the side of a roll of masking tape and put it on the driver’s seat. The house was 17 km away. I started running via Cecilia Street and then down Bergrivier Boulevard.

Somewhere along the road, Rinie stopped next to me. She was furious, but I don’t think she understood the mental turmoil I was in. When I got into the car, I immediately told her I wanted to go to Stikland Psychiatric Hospital in Bellville. We went to Dr. la Grange again, with my pyjamas. He called Stikland, but there was no room for me in the ward he wanted to put me in - there was only room in ward S4, which is for severely disturbed cases. I said I didn’t care, I felt I had to go to an institution now. He booked a place for me and Rinie took me to Stikland.

S4 is locked in, like a prison, and the men and women are separated by a heavy wire mesh. After dinner, I went to sleep in a large ward. It was a lonely feeling, but my mind was confused and I felt it was necessary for me to be there. I think they brought everyone pills at regular times. We got three meals a day, like in a hostel, and we all had to shower before bed.

I was examined by doctors a few times, including a very nice, gentle female psychiatrist, Dr. Snyman. They also made me do puzzles a few times, probably to see if my mind was working. The days were otherwise pretty boring. Everyone just sat around - I think there was a TV. Outside was a small patch of grass. I kept walking around it for exercise - I still remember my heart pounding the whole time. There was a hole in the fence that I could have climbed through to get out, but I didn't. After watching TV we went back to bed for another night. I think I slept reasonably well - they probably gave us something to sleep through the night. I don't remember making friends with any of the other men. One of the guys curled up on the cement floor behind the chairs at night when the others were watching TV. I got him a mattress to lie on (underdog).

I think I had been there for two weeks when I asked Dr. Kotze if I could go home for the weekend. One of the senior psychiatrists from Stellenbosch University said he shouldn't let me go because I wouldn't come back.

It was wonderful to be home again where I felt safe, and I went back to Stikland with a heavy heart on Sunday afternoon. I think I was in section S4 for another 2 weeks.

During the time I was there, Louis and Moira came to visit me, as well as Louis and Carine Havenga. Louis Havenga was very upset and said I didn’t belong there. The visitors were also let in through sturdy steel gates and we visited like in a prison.

The whole episode, especially the time in Stikland, was very unpleasant for me and I felt I didn’t want to go to a place like that again. Rinie and the two boys were very happy to have me home again, and I was overjoyed that my beloved cat Poena was back. She probably couldn’t understand why I smeared her all over with toothpaste.

EPISODE OF 2019

The next time I lost my mind was just before the General Election of 8 May 2019. I remember that they wanted me to check in early in the morning at Sereno Psychiatric Clinic in Paarl, near Paarl Medi-Clinic, but it was voting day and I first went to vote in the hall of the Huguenot High School.

At Sereno it was a very different set-up than at Stikland - no burglar bars or barred doors. The atmosphere was also totally different. The staff were friendly, the food varied and very tasty. Everyone looked forward to meal times. I got a nice bed in a two-bed room with an air conditioner, which felt more like a hotel room. The only restriction was that we were only allowed to use our cell phones once or twice a day for an hour or so. The rest of the time they were handed in and kept locked in a chest of drawers.

We had relaxation times that we were free to participate in. One that I really liked was a kind of drum concert in which everyone could choose a different drum. I can’t remember exactly, but I think the therapist who led the concert played music and we then had to beat our drums in order. I usually chose a large drum that I could beat as hard as I could to give a loud vibrating sound. It gave me a feeling of elation.

Quite different from the sensation I had at home the night I lost my mind. There I experienced that I was floating in a black infinity in which there was nothing, not even stars.

There was a kind of menu that indicated the day’s activities. There were two therapists in particular whom we all really liked, one could almost say we loved them. They had us do very interesting things - painting, making mini objects like decorated candles, decorations on hardboard and much more. In between, they asked everyone in the class every day how we were feeling. Some would give thumbs down, some holding their hand level, others would show their thumbs up. I always gave a thumbs up.

In class there was a nice woman who always gave a thumbs down. I tried to cheer her up (underdog). The other woman I remember was a big, heavily built coloured woman, Johanna, who was also often depressed. The room where our activities were held was on the first floor, up a long flight of stairs. I once told Johanna, laughing, that I could push her up once, and then she could push me up the next time. Johanna is very religious and once told me that her heart’s desire was to have a large-print 1933 Bible with tabs for each book.

I think I was probably high most of the time I was at Sereno. That’s how it is with people like that - sometimes you’re in the dumps, sometimes neutral, sometimes on a high. Because I was almost always on a high, my time at Sereno was very pleasant for me. We each had an individual appointment with a psychiatrist or psychologist from time to time.

Shaun Jacobs, a psychiatrist, interviewed me a few times. He had a tablet on which he wrote with a pen or his finger. When he asked me something, I would fly off and talk, then he would stop me, until I learned to only answer him what he asked. The psychologist I saw was August Lohann, a very pleasant person.

Shortly before I went to Sereno, Rinie had a serious back operation done by our favourite orthopaedist, Dr. Leon van Wyk, who also did my back operation in 1990, and Marinus’ around 2010. Rinie suffered because she was alone at home and had to get by with two crutches. The two boys had both left home a long time ago and she had to rely on friends to bring her to Sereno for visiting hours. Apparently I was very demanding about what I wanted her to bring me each time.

At that time I wrote furiously, letters to the Burger and I also think to Helen Zille, for whom I have a great admiration. Also to Mmusi Maimane, the leader of the DA at that time. I gave a long letter to the Burger to Shaun to post or email, but I don’t think he ever did, because I didn’t see it in the daily newspaper we got.

I got the cell phone numbers and names of all the people in our group and set up a WhatsApp group so we could keep in touch when we were out of Sereno. It was against Sereno’s rules, but I wanted to do it (underdogs). Some kept in touch this way for a while. After about two weeks at Sereno, my medical aid was exhausted and I went home.

Over the following months I was at Shaun’s office in Medi-Clinic twice. Both times he stopped me when I was picking up speed, and asked if Rinie was there too. Then he let her in and talked to her about me. I felt quite mortified by that.

One day I went to CUM Books in Paarl and looked at what Bibles were available. I found a light brown softcover large print 1933/53 Bible, thumb indexed, for R475. It was a lot of money, but I really wanted to buy it for Johanna. Rinie used to say that when I had a nervous breakdown in 2006, the psychiatrists warned her that in that state I might be prone to making big financial transactions, like when I signed for that house in Durbanville. This purchase of an expensive Bible for Johanna probably falls under that category too.

At home I wrapped it in brown paper and then in flannel material of an old pyjama! Johanna lives in Riebeek-Wes, and one day we drove there and I gave her the package, without telling her what it was. She was so grateful. She still regularly sends me religious verses and short videos and I usually respond to them with an icon or a short message. Apparently after we were together at Sereno, she was there a few more times for depression. I have quite a soft spot for her (underdog).

THE DIALOGUE: PERSPECTIVES ON BATTLES OF THE MIND

This conversation is compiled from excerpts of emails with my son between February and November 2025. It reflects the search for answers about the causes of my nervous breakdowns in 2006 and 2019.

CHRISTIAAN: It's not for nothing that Dad had those two nervous breakdowns. I think there was trauma in Dad's early life - things that were repressed and now resulted in these crises.

DAD: I can't remember any such incidents. There must have been something that caused it, but you don't always know what's going on in your head. I don't protect myself. I accept what happened in my life, warts and all. It's past tense; there is nothing I can change about it now.

CHRISTIAAN: Dad literally had to stop working so that you could be bothered enough by your unmet needs that led to that family meeting before the breakdown. Dad said “I love you very much, but do you know that?” I believe there are clues that can help Dad understand that it was not just about retirement or politics. Trauma memories are stored in the body, even if the thinking brain does not remember them. Your emotions and thoughts are in different parts of the brain. Dad’s attachment style is anxious preoccupied, just like mine. In extreme cases, such a person can become paranoid. I remember Dad closed the curtains for fear that people would hear us.

DAD: You are now reasoning as someone who has OCD himself and reads books about psychiatry and psychology. Because you read about it, you think we did not love you the way you wanted. I believe that most people are ‘normal’ and do not have these type of problems. There can be other explanations when people have these symptoms - it's not necessarily that it was childhood trauma. When I was young, I got along well with my mother, and my father was a god figure to me. Because I'm a sensitive person who can think myself in other people’s shoes, I feel for a lot of things, especially when I see something affecting other people, or animals negatively. It's not at all that I was abandoned as a child.

CHRISTIAAN: But Dad, think of the paranoia just before the breakdown. I remember Mom screaming because Dad was holding her by the throat. That night we found Dad on the floor mumbling something to yourself. The dressing table had fallen over because Dad had broken off a leg, and the room was in a mess. Dad tried to break the video camera and smeared toothpaste on the cat. Marinus said Dad had mentioned that Dad was like God, and that he should now take over the role from Dad. Dad’s eyes were rolled back, catatonic. I think there was some degree of psychosis involved where Dad completely lost touch with reality.

Peeling this onion, layer by layer to get to the core - there is a logical reason for everything that happened here. This wasn’t just something that happened to Dad, it was something big. The thinking brain has nothing to do with trauma, it’s in the primitive part of the brain. Trauma memories are remembered in your body, even if you don’t remember them with your thinking brain. Your emotions and your thinking are in different parts of your brain, so you can have emotional problems that you are not aware of, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have an effect on you. Those emotional problems stay in your body, and they are looking for an outlet.

I think Dad used work as a coping mechanism, to not feel Dad’s feelings about what happened in Dad’s early life. The key is that even though Dad went through a broken marriage and remarried, Dad’s emotional problems come from a much earlier time. Attachment styles are formed within the first 2 years of your life. It’s very confusing that sometimes we feel depressed, anxious, scared, not considered by others, feel abandoned, feel worthless, but we can’t understand why.

A baby who is left to cry experiences abandonment. That stuff comes from when we were very young, that's how we felt then, we couldn't process those emotions when we were so little, our brains were simply not developed enough. Instead, the baby/toddler adapts in ways to still give attachment or the relationship between himself and his Mom or Dad a chance. For example, the baby can manage to suppress his emotions by starting to believe that there is something wrong with him, that his feelings don't make sense, and that they therefore need to be suppressed.

DAD: I remember that right at the beginning of our e-mails you repeatedly asked me if we let you cry until you fell asleep. And I said I couldn't believe that Mom would leave you, because then she would be awake anyway, and it makes sense that she would get up to lull you to sleep. It didn't sound to me as if you believed me, because that is, amongst other things, what your psychology books say about where childhood trauma can come from.

CHRISTIAAN: It's about attachment styles. A baby who is left to cry experiences it as life-threatening. The belief that there is something wrong with him is a big problem. It's very deep, far away from the 'onscious thinking brain. What I think happened to Dad is that Dad did not bond with Grandma de Jager from an early age, not as Dad should have. This will have an impact on the children. Maybe Dad also did not form a bond with Grandpa de Jager. I'm talking again from a very young age. As an adult a situation may be objectively safe, but the nervous system is activated as if there is danger. Dad used work as a defence mechanism to not feel.

DAD: I think a lot of what you write here is possibly real psychological problems that exist in some people, but you can't just apply it to me, or any/all people. As I have told you many times, I believe that most people are normal and do not have these problems.

CHRISTIAAN: People who have anxious attachment believe that there is something wrong with them, but that other people are OK. So they try to suppress parts of themselves so that only what others will accept comes to the fore. Emotions that will put off others are suppressed. Parts of a person are literally suppressed, sometimes without you being aware of it.

Perfectionism is another strategy that is also used, so that they can please other people and feel safe from abandonment. That is the great pain of the anxiously attached, he was abandoned, rejected - not accepted when he was very young, and so he suppressed it. In the process, such a person can lose himself, and not really know who he is.

He does not feel safe to show his emotions. Maybe it causes a person not to like him. That feeling of danger is real, it is something that causes a “fight, flight, freeze, fawn” response - our sympathetic nervous system. It's made for when there's danger, real danger. The problem is when we were so young it was real danger - a baby will die without physical touch, without affection, without attention. It's life or death, and the baby adapts to survive. Now as an adult a situation may not be dangerous at all, objectively, but the sympathetic nervous system is activated as a result of childhood trauma, that trauma that is stuck in the body that you are not aware of.

You can be highly functioning, the thinking brain is not hampered by childhood trauma, you can start to rely on your thinking brain if you suppress your emotions. It's not the whole human experience, but you can get by. That Dad was easily sad over the years, you call it leaky emotions. These are emotions that seek expression, but that have been suppressed for years. They then come out little by little if there is a chance. I don't believe Dad is as sensitive as Dad thinks Dad is - I think that comes from great sadness of abandonment when Dad was little. Dad was not loved, unconditionally, accepted and the centre of Dad's parents' universe for those first two years.

Dad also believes that the baby must learn from a young age that the world does not revolve around him. However, this must be for the first two years, and then slowly the baby or toddler must be taught that there are other people with emotions that must also be taken into account. There is a period when everything must revolve around the baby, but if parents themselves have problems they cannot give it - you can only give what you yourself have.

DAD: Nonsense. Parents cannot suddenly pretend with every baby that the world is going to stand still so that all attention is given to that child alone - the life of the parents and other older children with all its obligations goes on. Everyone needs to be cared for and has a need for love, not just the baby.

CHRISTIAAN: The fact that you still feel all the things I mention is not relevant in your case - just remember that your conscious part, the thinking part, does not experience these things or is aware of them. It lies in a different part of the brain. You can believe as you believe, and you feel the things are just not applicable to you...but it can still be true, because it lies in the sub-conscious. You are not necessarily aware of this...but sometimes the sub-conscious makes a plan to get our attention about issues...like having a breakdown.

DAD: I accept that this can be what happened, but I choose to look forward. It is part of my history, but it does not define my entire being. I do not need to be ashamed of anything I have done. I love my family and I have always tried to do the right thing, even when my own mind has turned against me.

CHRISTIAAN: And again, I do not blame you. However, ignorance does not absolve one from the responsibility of facing your issues. It is difficult, and there are many other factors, such as the environment you were in. Mental health was not really something that people were aware of in your days.

Think about Dad’s life. Things like Dad letting Aunt Heléne go out in the evening without her telling you where she was going. It is not normal to just accept something like that. The fact that Dad gave in when Heléne threatened to take her life shows once again that Dad was not in touch with Dad’s own needs, and that Dad did not think highly enough of yourself… Dad’s own needs were not important.

Think about what a psychologist told Dad, that Dad did not want to face issues. Think about Dad lying in a fetal position around the heater in the evenings until Dad fell asleep after Dad’s divorce. That alone is a sign of problems in Dad’s younger days. Dad's breakdown in 2006 is something that happens to you when you don't listen to what's going on inside for too long.

To get over bad things, to experience difficult emotions, to get emotionally hurt in life is part and parcel of being alive. If you grow up secure, because your parents are secure, then you learn how to handle, to process difficult emotions. You are not afraid of difficult emotions, and you also learn to protect yourself, because you consider yourself high enough, that your needs are important - you are aware of your needs. If someone consistently doesn’t meet your emotional needs in a relationship, or if there is even a form of abuse or emotional neglect, then you also have the ability to walk away - you are not loyal for the sake of being loyal.

A path with a therapist could have worked wonders, for both of us.

CONCLUSION: MORE THAN THE SUM OF MY PARTS

When I look back today on these conversations and the memories of those dark times, I realize that a person's life is not defined by his crises, but by how he chooses to rise above them. Christiaan searches for the "why" in the science of the brain and the scars of the past, while I find peace in the simple fact that I survived.

I harbour no shame in these episodes. They are part of the mosaic of my existence - the "warts and all" of which I speak in my letters. This journey through Stikland and Sereno has taught me that sensitivity is not a weakness, but the source of my empathy for others. May my descendants learn from this that the human spirit is remarkably resilient. Even if you knock the leg off a dressing table in a moment of total confusion, you can still look forward later with a straight back and a full heart. My history is rich and complex, but it is my love for my family and my faith in the future that has the final word.